How to Share Caring With Your Siblings and Family

In a lot of families, caring for a parent ends up with one sibling more or less by default. They live nearest, or they were the one who noticed things were slipping, or they've always been "the sensible one". Over time they find themselves doing almost everything, while brothers and sisters elsewhere assume all is well because nobody has said otherwise.

Sharing care well doesn't mean splitting every job down the middle. It means being honest about what's needed, matching tasks to what each person can realistically give, and making the arrangement visible so it can change when it needs to.

Fair doesn't have to mean equal

Siblings differ in distance, work, children, health, money and their relationship with the parent. A sister ten minutes away and a brother three hundred miles away can't do the same things.

A more useful aim is that everyone contributes something reliable and meaningful, and that the main carer isn't carrying a load no one else can see. One person might do hands-on care several days a week; another might take on all the paperwork, benefits forms and phone calls; a third might cover some costs and come to stay twice a year so the main carer can have a proper break.

Step 1: Make the caring visible

Ask whoever is doing most of the caring to jot down a typical week: every lift, prescription collection, meal, phone call to the GP surgery, form filled in, and night of interrupted sleep. Relatives who live further away are often genuinely surprised by the length of the list.

Carers UK notes that its Jointly app can make visible how much falls on one person, which can help start the conversation. Our printable responsibility chart does a similar job on paper.

Step 2: Talk, and include your parent

Arrange a family conversation, in person or on a video call, and include your parent. They should have a say in who helps with what, especially personal care. Carers UK encourages siblings to discuss together how caring can be shared, and advises against putting off these conversations until there's a crisis.

1. Circulate an agenda and the task list beforehand. Our printable family meeting agenda can help.
2. Keep to the next few months rather than trying to plan for every possible future.
3. End with names against tasks and a date to talk again.
4. If things are tense, consider asking a calm relative, friend or independent mediator to chair.

Step 3: Match jobs to people

If you live nearby

• Regular visits and company
• Lifts to the GP surgery, hospital and shops
• Practical help around the house
• Being first on the list for emergencies, with a named backup

If you live further away

Plenty of caring can be done remotely:

• Managing the shared calendar and reminders
• Dealing with the council, care agency or DWP during working hours
• Filling in forms, such as benefits claims
• Ordering shopping or prescriptions online, where your parent agrees
• Ringing your parent regularly, which matters in its own right
• Coming to stay for a week so the main carer can take a break

With your parent's agreement, their GP surgery may be able to set up family and carer access, sometimes called proxy access, so a family member can help with some GP services online. The NHS explains that you'll usually need to contact your parent's surgery and that photo ID may be needed. That can make it easier for a sibling elsewhere to handle repeat prescriptions.

Step 4: Agree how you'll keep in touch

Most family friction comes from people feeling left out or caught off guard. Decide:

• Where updates go. One group chat or app, one shared calendar. Carers UK mentions a family WhatsApp group or the Jointly app as ways of keeping everyone updated.
• How often. A short weekly summary from the main carer saves endless "how's Mum?" messages.
• What's urgent. What needs a phone call now, and what can wait for the weekly update?
• Who speaks to professionals. Usually one or two people, with your parent's agreement.

A shared carer's log helps enormously. If everyone adds a note after a visit or call, nobody has to repeat the same story. Our care log tool and printable handoff notes are designed for this.

Step 5: Talk about money and legal matters

Money is often the hardest topic, so raise it early and plainly:

• How your parent's own money will be used for their care, and who keeps track
• Whether anyone is paying out of their own pocket, and how that's recorded
• Whether a sibling cutting back their hours to care should be compensated
• How bigger spending decisions will be made

If your parent wants family members to be able to make decisions for them in future, a lasting power of attorney is the usual route in England and Wales. GOV.UK explains there are separate LPAs for health and welfare and for property and financial affairs, that your parent must have mental capacity when they make one, and that Scotland and Northern Ireland have their own systems. Who is named as attorney is your parent's choice, and it's best discussed openly so nobody is surprised.

Keep receipts and a simple record of care spending. Our budget printable can help.

Step 6: Get support for the main carer

Whoever does most of the caring is entitled to ask the council for a carer's assessment. The NHS says it's free, anyone over 18 can ask for one, and it can recommend support such as someone taking over so the carer can have a break.

Carers UK also suggests asking family and friends for specific, practical help, such as shopping or chores, even if they can't provide hands-on care. Siblings who can't visit often can contribute to the cost of a break, or cover a planned week themselves.

Our guide to respite care planning goes into more detail on organising breaks.

When things get difficult

• Describe the impact, not the person. "I've done every hospital visit since March and I'm worn out" is easier to hear than "You never help."
• Make specific asks. "Could you take every other weekend?" gets more yeses than "I need more help."
• Let go of small differences. Your brother may do the shopping differently. That's usually fine.
• Review when life changes. A new job, a baby, or a carer's own health problems mean the split should be looked at again.
• Seek support if you feel alone. Carers UK and local carers' centres can help carers who feel they're doing everything themselves.

Writing the arrangement down, and keeping it somewhere everyone can see, is the single most useful step. It turns caring from something one person carries in their head into something the whole family shares.